bleh.. it just came to me… tears just flowed for about 1 reason… Memories… lol, i looked through blogs until now.. by right i should be sleeping… but the more blogs i read, the more i start to think, then yah.. i just cried. i don’t sob, but yeah, it just keeps flowing…
Being a no life bastard in the years during secondary school years.. made me almost friendless lol… ya there are quite a bunchful, but yah… i feel damn sad… at least now… i think i live a much fuller life. i come to think that it’s actually up to me on how i want to live everyday, not others who dictate my life…
i broke down on the part where i was reading cassandra’s blog, for those who know, ya ya azu, oh well… i don’t know… maybe the words on the blog just shot the jackpot straight for several times. feeling sad was like, it just comes naturally… i remembered a lot of things…
times with my ex, the laughter we shared, makes up part of the tears that are flowing, and my dumbest and worst times of my life, made me come back to reality… i don’t know, i feel very pressured if i were to be put into a relationship now… things that i don’t hope to happen… don’t want to happen, don’t wish to happen… i lost my initiative touch to myself… i am a person like, waiting for things to happen… no longer the part where, hey i should be looking forward to tomorrow or something, or plan what to do etc.
i don’t know… i feel that blogging won’t help much, but yeah, i will feel that little better without any significance. I am hurt. really hurt. tears that are flowing freely is not the kind that you sob, it just doesnt want to come out but yet comes out in the end…
Have i really put everything down and looked forward… i don’t feel myself again… who am i? of all the times i have spent online, i don’t even know who i think i really am. i have tons of facades online, and all contains little bits of me, but never totally. i don’t even understand myself anymore. what do i want?
oh fucked up life of mine. i miss the days where i was still with my ex, just think about her, as a hobby and everything works. for now, it doesn’t. hahaha…. i think i gonna doodle soon… just to pass this stupid phase of life i am going through. i want something to be suppressed and never to surface again. the manipulative side of me. i don’t want it to dominate me, neither do i want it to be abused to hurt another person’s feelings. so fuck off, this side of me.
Oh well.. i think i gonna start password protect certain posts that i am going to publish.. probably.. yah.. i’ll see how it goes…
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things happen from a cause. one will soul what one reaped. feeling hurt isn’t a choice to stay down here to do nothing, i need to repick all those shards of shattered glass and walk on… bleeding. hoping it will stop… hoping…
when i was with you, you are the colour of my life, everything else is black and white. when we broke, i saw everything coloured. now it dulled to black and white again… hoping that, another person, is coloured…
memories are worse than double edged swords. the pain you feel is tons more than the times the events actually happened, yet joy and fun are just part and parcel of the whole package, like little paragraphs… as compared to those chapters of sadness and boredom.